Moving...

My journey goes on...but now that I'm entering a new phase of life...a new blog seemed appropriate...so to check out what I'm blogging about visit: http://becomingrooted.blogspot.com/

Melons

So, in about a month I'll be moving back to Iowa where I'll be going back on staff with IV. If you would have said I would be doing this a year ago, I would have told you that you were a liar. But I am, I'm going. When they first offered me the choice of going to KC or to Iowa for IV, I was upset (to put it mildly). God, didn't I already make the decision not to be in Iowa? But then I thought about it and realized that God had worked through all the reasons I'd left and they weren't valid anymore. And it spoke so much of Him and the gospel to go back. So I decided I would go. And I was okay with that...for a while. While I still had peace I'd made the right decision, I began to struggle with leaving my community in St. Louis...

And I continued to struggle until this past week, when I traveled to spend time at the college and in the town I'll be working at. While I was there, God slowly softened my heart towards Cedar Rapids, and in the midst of it, he reminded me of melons.

The Israelites were enslaved in Egypt for something like 400 years. They cried out to God to help them get out of slavery, and he delivered. Not only did he deliver, but he did it in style, doing miraculous signs and wonders like the world had never seen. He marches them right out of Egypt, their pockets full of treasure the Egyptians just handed over as they walked, unhindered out of Egypt. And he promised them He would lead them to a land flowing with milk & honey, where he would provide in abundance everything they need and bless them so that they would bless other people. And, in the climax of the story, he leads to a place where they seem to be trapped between the Egyptian army & a body of water, only for God, in dramatic fashion, to part the body of water so they could walk through to the other side in enough time to drown the Egyptian army.

After all that, the Israelites start their journey to the Promised Land. And it wasn't long before they started complaining...At one point in their journey, they go so far as to imply they'd rather go back to Egypt than go through the journey. And why, do you ask, do they want to go back to Egypt?

melons.

Look it up. Numbers 11:5. The Isrealites had been in slavery in Egypt, and now they wanted to go back because of...melons? They were ready to return back to slavery because it's what they knew. They had lost sight of God's promise for something so much better! Freedom & blessing if only they would believe His promise & be obedient to follow & listen to Him.

My struggle with leaving St. Louis was in part about melons. God has promised something more...more of him, more ability to bless other people, blessing from following him obediently...if only I'll turn my eyes toward what's ahead.

God, bring to mind melons every time I get scared & unsure of the journey. Remind me of what's ahead and give me courage to turn my eyes toward you and that promise. In Jesus' name, amen.

The Gospel Truth

Everything, all things, must come back to one truth. The gospel truth. All things must be held up to the gospel and whatever doesn't line up must and will fall away. Only one truth speaks all truth. The gospel truth.


...lately I've been thinking A LOT about the gospel. I can look back and see how God has been uprooting shadows of the truth of the gospel from the soil of my heart in order to sew the seeds of the truth of the gospel. And the thing is, before this year, I thought I got it. I thought I knew the gospel...and it was sort of...an old hat. But look at how the Lord can make things new!

In particular, I can look back at the study of Sonship I took part in this summer during CityLights. In my naivity and pride, I know I thought to myself, "Yeah, I get it. I understand," as we talked about Jesus, who he is, who we are, and why he came. ...Over the past 7 months, God uprooted that pride, and I, newly humbled began to understand that, "we [I] can never outgrow the gospel" and its truth.

It's as if God has shifted me somewhere at the core with this, like a rudder on a boat. It's an internal change that's affecting everything I do, say, and believe. It's so good. I rejoice because it's so good. Thank you Jesus.

The grass is greener...

Twice in the last week someone has asked me, "Did you move around a lot when you were younger?". This is a strange question to be asked when the only move I ever made in my life was a 2 mile hop to move into the home my grandparents were leaving behind to move into town. So, why did I get asked that question twice in a week?

Well, it turns out that I act and think a lot like someone who moved around when they were young. I learned that for a long time now, I have felt like I never belong or fit anywhere. Like no one understands me and never will so I'm just not going to give them the chance. But I long to feel like I fit...like I belong somewhere...safe and secure...no longer an orphan. So, when it gets hard, I start dreaming about the next place, thinking maybe it will be better...but I never stick in one place long enough to find out...and the truth is:

I do have a place to belong. There is a place where I fit. I am accepted and acceptable. The truth of the gospel says that.

It's actually a sin when I don't believe that. I haven't felt like myself in months. I've been wrestless...looking for something, someone to belong to, to fit into...and my hunger was never satisfied. But in one breath-taking moment, the light and truth of God's grace, His gospel, my identity in Him changed it all. I realized I could choose to believe the truth of my identity in Christ instead of the lies I'd believed for so long. And because realizing my belief in the power of the lies was a sin, I was suddenly free from their power over me. You see, I thought that the wounds of the past made my insecurities inevitable, but the truth is my belief in the lies that come from those wounds is my choice...which makes it my sin issue. And if it's a sin issue of my own heart instead of ways I sinned against that I can't change and couldn't control, then there is hope! Because then I can repent & believe in the truth of the gospel. I can turn from believing in the lies.

You see, the only greener grass that exists is that grass which is illuminated by the gospel. All other "greener" grass is just a facade. It doesn't bring life...only more hunger when we are continually disappointed. But I choose the true greener grass...I choose to walk in the light of day, instead of the darkness. Help me to choose that every day, Abba. Remind me of who I am in You...root me and establish me in that. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Two Kinds of Pain

I have two kinds of pain in my heart. The first kind, that I won't dwell on now, is the type of pain that happens when God is rooting up deep, wounded places of your heart that need to be healed by the only One who can transcend time and enter into those places of hurt.

The second type of pain is the pain of loss. I had to say goodbye, I had to let go. The type of loss I'm talking about I've experienced before, but this time it's different. This time I don't have a wall in my heart. This time my care still extends to the one I had to let go. When we were saying goodbye, there wasn't anger or hurt towards each other, just a common sense of loss...a common sense of not fully understanding why...common ground. The one human who understands my heart best is the one I had to say goodbye to (oh the pain of loss! ...even if it is the right thing)...and so we lingered...not wanting to say goodnight because in our hearts it was goodbye to something we had both hoped for...and in ways still long for.

Can a new thing arise? Can God be glorified by a restoration of sorts...of a different kind? Can pain not be ignored, but walked through...together, but apart...reaching out towards friendship. Can comfort be sought from each other because we know the same pain...even though what was hoped for cannot be. Can a new and wonderful thing be bloomed from within the soil of pain?

I hope so. But His ways are not my ways...I only hope, and pray, and follow, and trust that He knows what He's doing.

Feeling: Unknown

This morning at church, someone that I know only a little bit prayed for me...this happens most weeks at church (the praying for people part), and usually I can expect a relatively general prayer either because we're in a bigger group or I'm praying with someone I only know a little bit. However, today, the person that I was praying with prayed with authority over things I didn't expect. It's like God was just giving her the words to say: words of comfort, words that made me feel known to God. Particularly burned into my memory at this moment is the part of the prayer that centered around being in the midst of long-term transition, and how hard that is. That thought hadn't crossed my mind in such a specific way, but man did it speak straight to my heart. I'm feeling the weariness of having constant unknowns and decisions to make about my future which feel like I have no sort of information to know what decision to make. Oh Lord, help me not to make a mistake...help me to make the right decision(s)...

The truth is...I'm going to make mistakes. The truth is...God's got this. He knows what I'm going through and He's going to see me through. Help me to trust in that Jesus.

God's love:romantic comedy love::delighting in:liking - Part 1:Love

A couple of months ago I started writing a song. I was writing the song to process the question: what is love? What does it really mean to love another person? Well, if you live in our culture, listen to our media or watch movies (most particularly romantic comedies), then it's all about love at first sight, and how do I get my needs met, what's in it for me (among other things)?

The other day I was talking about this with a friend. She said she had just studied the old testament again this last semester at seminary, and could she that God's love is very different than what is portrayed in our culture. I hadn't thought about it enough to have an answer, so I asked her what she had seen. She said she saw the difference as commitment. God is committed to his people no matter what. No matter how we treat him, no matter what he gets out of it, etc. He doesn't give up on us.

Since then I've continued to think about it, to think about scripture and to see whether that's true, and I believe that is the biggest difference. Our individualistic culture says, well, if it's not good for me right now, then I'll just get rid of it. When things get hard it says, just give it up and do something that's easier.

We humans are so good at getting things out of balance. Yes, the most noticeable difference between our culture's understanding of love and God's true love, is commitment, but love is more than just that. God also delights in us (Zeph. 3:17) and the part that he made he calls good (Gen. 1:31). So, our culture evelates the "delighting in" part and in my opinion cheapens it (see part 2) to be simply about liking them. I think we do that because it's easier. It's easier for it just to be about whether we like that person or not and whether they meet our needs. Jesus actually talks about that in Matthew 19, when some pharisees came to test him and asked him about divorce. Jesus says to the pharisees that the only permissable reason for divorce is marital unfaithfulness. The disciples, upon hearing this say, well if that's the case, then why get married? It seems like what they're saying is, "well, if we can't just get out when it gets hard, then why do it?" What Jesus ends up saying (paraphrase) in response is, you know not everyone can handle this. If you can, then that's good but some aren't able to. (this doesn't mean one is better or worse, just that some are meant for marriage and some are meant for singleness).

To bring this back around, I'll repeat what I said earlier. Our human-nature seems to be to pull things out of the balance that is inherently from God. God's love is both commitment & delight in us. Our culture elevates & cheapens the delight part & forgets about commitment. It should be both. It could be easy for us to swing the other way and elevate commitment, but we mustn't forget about the delight. Commitment without the delight is just as unbalanced as delight without commitment. Commitment without delight has no life. Delight without commitment has no sustainability.

Jesus, thank you for your commitment to us. Without it, we would have all been destroyed long ago. Thank you also that you delight in us. I pray that, as your people, you would teach us about commitment, and I pray that we would come to know that you delight in us and that through BOTH of these things, we will come to see both you more clearly and our identity in you. I pray that BOTH of these things would help us to see & understand how deep & wide & high & long is the love of Christ. In Jesus' name, Amen.