I was frustrated today about...well, everything. Last night I stayed up later than planned. I don't want to go to work right now even though I go and it's fine or even good. I was frustrated about that. I wasn't able to go to Westminster bball practice today because of work. I got a phone call at 6:30 letting me know that one of my loan payments was 15 days late. I was late to bible study because of it. I was frustrated about that. I've been frustrated about some relationships in my life for multiple different reasons. Some for the fact that I don't have enough time to spend with everyone I want to. I'm impatient, and I was frustrated about that...
I was thinking to myself: I feel like I'm failing at life.
At bible study, during lecture, Jesus revealed the root of the frustration: to anyone else's eyes it would have been a seemingly insiginificant encounter with the area director of IV in Kansas City. (I was at a Prospective Staff Weekend for InterVarsity this weekend and the good news is God has me pretty darn excited about it) Back to the story: So, I'd had a conversation & time of prayer with him on Firday night that was pretty awesome and God really spoke to my heart. It felt clear God wanted me to apply for IV Staff and I was really excited about the prospects of working in Kansas City for this area director. So, sometime the next day I went up to him and said (internally very excited), "So, when are you going to send me an application?" It was my understanding that we were supposed to talk to area directors about applications. His response was...not what I expected. Instead of being as excited about it as I was, he said, "oh uh, I think you have to talk to Tom (regional director) or Bum (St. Louis area director) about that." That's all it took. Instant feelings of rejection & my excitement shattered, I wanted to rewind time and never have asked the question in the first place. Somewhere inside of me this voice rose up, choking my joy and confirming my fears, "Oh Morgan, there you go screwing up again. Why can't you get it right. You're not ever going to get what you want. No one wants you, anyway."
At the time, I was aware of my internal gut reaction, but I didn't address it, and it festered. It festered until it started eating away at my joy, my ability to be present. Satan had jumped on the opportunity to suffocate my joy and hope and immobilize my mind, loading it with lies. He was trying to take up residence there. I could see the evil smirk, and hear the raucous, penetrating laughter. And so, tonight at bible study, during lecture, Jesus revealed this moment to me, and I left to be alone with Him, knowing I needed His comfort and His truth. I needed Him to speak to my heart. I prayed,
Abba, I've let Satan have a stronghold, and I need your power to fight it, to uproot it. I need You to speak specific words of truth into this. Give me a different picture, Abba.
Only a moment later, He began to speak...
You are loved, wanted. (words that spoke to a much deeper place in my heart. A place wounded when I was very young.)
You are chosen. (2 Thess. 2:13-15) (John 15:16)
I don't think about you the way you perceive others did in your childhood (Hebrews 13:5b)
Jesus met me, right then and there, the way I needed to be met. He revealed to me the root of my struggle, and He brought the darkness into the light that had been clouding my mind & heart.
Thank you Jesus.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Friday, November 14, 2008
I can't arrange for it, part 2: Waiting & Letting Go
God is good.
On days like today when I have easy classes to teach & supervise, I tend to have lots of time to read, do some bible study, etc. while the students are doing their work. I just happened to grab this book I've read a couple of times now, called Desire by John Eldridge. I grabbed it because I was pretty sure it spoke into the "arranging" I talked about in my last post and I wanted to be reminded of what it said. So, at some point during the morning, I flipped towards the end of the book, looking for the section I was hoping for, when a section title caught my eye. It was entitled Waiting, and this is what it said,
To wait is to learn the spiritual grace of detachment, the freedom of desire. Not the absence of desire, but desire at rest. St. John of the Cross lamented that "the desires weary and fatigue the soul, for they are like restless and discontented children, who are ever demanding this or that from their mother, and are never contented." Detachment is coming to the place where those demanding children are at peace.
When I read this two things went through my mind. First, this describes exactly what I've been feeling: the restlessness, the groaning, the demanding emotions in my heart to know the outcome. Secondly, I've been here before. It was only in late September, a month and a half ago, that the Lord was teaching and instructing my heart in this same issue. Oh, how quickly I forget!
At the top of a journal entry from September 22, 2008, I penned this question: What do I need to let go of? Maybe that's a question I need to be asking on a more regular basis. Right now, I need to let go of my future plans, to stop trying to arrange it all. I'm not the Arranger in my story, God is. And, I need to let go of the person I am dating. I can't control him, and I shouldn't. It makes for a pretty awful & unsatisfying relationship.
Later on in Desire, Eldredge quotes Psalm 131:2 (NIV):
I have stilled and quieted my soul,
like a weaned child with its mother,
like a weaned child is my soul within me.
I have never understood the meaning of that scripture until today. Finally it's been made clear. Eldredge writes about the difference between a pilgrim & an arranger. A pilgrim is at peace with his desire, okay that it will remain unsatisfied while on the journey, willing to wait & hope & journey on to see what will happen. An arranger cannot be at peace with desire's unfulfilled state and so will try to secure something, anything that could satiate it if only for a moment. But that moment is fleeting, making the arranger grasp ever more ardently.
To help us determine what state our soul is in, Eldredge gives us these questions to ask:
What am I waiting for? Is there anything I ardently desire that I am doing nothing to secure?
To the second question, I would have to answer a very clear & weighty "no". But I am encouraged. God did not let me get too far before he hemmed me in & helped me to see my arranging. Thank you, Abba. And as a pilgrim who has walked longer than me, Eldredge says,
Things are different now. Now I wonder, What am I still arranging for? I should like to let it go too.
oh, Lord. Still and quiet my soul, in the way David talks about in the Psalm. Continue to teach & instruct my heart. When I begin to arrange & control & grasp for something other than you, hem me in, behind and before, and give me eyes to see the false god I am placing in front of You. Help me to live in the balance, to wait. To be as a pilgrim, steady in determination to follow after you, willing to accept the unsatisfied state of my desire without controlling, arranging, or losing heart altogether. But instead, make me as a pilgrim who hopes, waits, and looks forward to the day their desire will be fulfilled. That hope alone puts a pilgrim at rest. A pilgrim is not short-sighted. They have kingdom eyes. Cure my blindness. Give me kingdom eyes oh Lord. Give me kingdom eyes. In Jesus' name, amen.
On days like today when I have easy classes to teach & supervise, I tend to have lots of time to read, do some bible study, etc. while the students are doing their work. I just happened to grab this book I've read a couple of times now, called Desire by John Eldridge. I grabbed it because I was pretty sure it spoke into the "arranging" I talked about in my last post and I wanted to be reminded of what it said. So, at some point during the morning, I flipped towards the end of the book, looking for the section I was hoping for, when a section title caught my eye. It was entitled Waiting, and this is what it said,
To wait is to learn the spiritual grace of detachment, the freedom of desire. Not the absence of desire, but desire at rest. St. John of the Cross lamented that "the desires weary and fatigue the soul, for they are like restless and discontented children, who are ever demanding this or that from their mother, and are never contented." Detachment is coming to the place where those demanding children are at peace.
When I read this two things went through my mind. First, this describes exactly what I've been feeling: the restlessness, the groaning, the demanding emotions in my heart to know the outcome. Secondly, I've been here before. It was only in late September, a month and a half ago, that the Lord was teaching and instructing my heart in this same issue. Oh, how quickly I forget!
At the top of a journal entry from September 22, 2008, I penned this question: What do I need to let go of? Maybe that's a question I need to be asking on a more regular basis. Right now, I need to let go of my future plans, to stop trying to arrange it all. I'm not the Arranger in my story, God is. And, I need to let go of the person I am dating. I can't control him, and I shouldn't. It makes for a pretty awful & unsatisfying relationship.
Later on in Desire, Eldredge quotes Psalm 131:2 (NIV):
I have stilled and quieted my soul,
like a weaned child with its mother,
like a weaned child is my soul within me.
I have never understood the meaning of that scripture until today. Finally it's been made clear. Eldredge writes about the difference between a pilgrim & an arranger. A pilgrim is at peace with his desire, okay that it will remain unsatisfied while on the journey, willing to wait & hope & journey on to see what will happen. An arranger cannot be at peace with desire's unfulfilled state and so will try to secure something, anything that could satiate it if only for a moment. But that moment is fleeting, making the arranger grasp ever more ardently.
To help us determine what state our soul is in, Eldredge gives us these questions to ask:
What am I waiting for? Is there anything I ardently desire that I am doing nothing to secure?
To the second question, I would have to answer a very clear & weighty "no". But I am encouraged. God did not let me get too far before he hemmed me in & helped me to see my arranging. Thank you, Abba. And as a pilgrim who has walked longer than me, Eldredge says,
Things are different now. Now I wonder, What am I still arranging for? I should like to let it go too.
oh, Lord. Still and quiet my soul, in the way David talks about in the Psalm. Continue to teach & instruct my heart. When I begin to arrange & control & grasp for something other than you, hem me in, behind and before, and give me eyes to see the false god I am placing in front of You. Help me to live in the balance, to wait. To be as a pilgrim, steady in determination to follow after you, willing to accept the unsatisfied state of my desire without controlling, arranging, or losing heart altogether. But instead, make me as a pilgrim who hopes, waits, and looks forward to the day their desire will be fulfilled. That hope alone puts a pilgrim at rest. A pilgrim is not short-sighted. They have kingdom eyes. Cure my blindness. Give me kingdom eyes oh Lord. Give me kingdom eyes. In Jesus' name, amen.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
I can't arrange for it...
So, first off...it's been a WHILE since I wrote in my blog...sorry about that. I didn't know people were paying attention to it... :) Thanks for the reminders...
On with the post then...
To catch everyone up a bit...Life in St. Louis has definitely picked up speed. I've been substitute teaching for a while now, and after initially being intimidated about working in the high school, but having to because there weren't any other jobs, I've begun to enjoy that the most. I've started to get to know faculty, students, etc. and have gotten a reputation for being a good sub...which is always good.
Most of the rest of life has been spent developing & maintaining friendships & relationships or...(and this is where the title comes in)...trying to figure out what to do with my life for next year.
In the midst of that I've also been asking bigger questions, such as: What do I want my life to be about? How do I really live out the gospel? What exactly does it mean to do ministry? The last question God worked a lot with throughout the summer and up until the last two weeks or so, breaking about every box I had so that I now know that "doing" ministry isn't about your vocation...it's about how you live your whole life, in each moment.
Okay, back to the...what the heck do I do with my life. Recently, I thought I had it figured out...but over and over again I realize I don't...and I re-realize I can't ever figure it out...at least not this side of the new heaven and the new earth.
There's been something building for the last couple of weeks as I've been asking these questions & trying to make plans for next year. It's been slowly infiltrating my thoughts & actions...creating a restlessness that in the last couple of days became tangible. The medium God used to initially show me what was going on was in a relationship with a guy that I've been dating for a little while now. I've been frustrated, trying to figure out why I know somewhere in inside of me that he really does want to spend time with me, but somewhere else in me isn't convinced. So, I asked, is he pursuing me? Does he even want to spend time with me? What about all these questions I have about the difficulty we have in communication? What does that mean? ...and on and on with the questions...
...then, ever so softly, God spoke to my heart.
Morgan, you can't arrange for it.
Internally, uncontrollably, momentarily, there was a deep sigh of relief. I knew what that meant. I've been learning & growing so much these past couple of years, and I just want to know that I have a purpose, that I'm going to make a difference, and I want people alongside me. I want to be able to fix the communication issues in my relationship... I took this big step of faith and God, it's been so good, so shouldn't I get to figure it out? Everything should be good now, right? ...Then, ever so slowly, almost without conscience effort, I start to arrange, to try to take control, to secure the life I think I want or even that I think God wants for me, to secure my relationships and make them what I want them to be or think they should be...
"okay, God, you showed me enough. I've got it from here."
Morgan, you can't arrange for it. You can't make the communication problems go away. You have to trust me to work them out...or not. And you have to be okay with the 'or not'.
"but, but, I want to know that it's all going to work out, I don't want to go through the heartache of a difficult relationship or think about the possibility of an 'or not' and all that would ensue. I want to know that I'm going to be able to pay my bills and do the things that I think You've set in my heart to do..."
Morgan, you can't arrange for it. Trust me.
"fine. Just forget it then. I won't want it. Then it's easier. If I can't know that it's going to happen or how it's going to happen, then fine. I'll just kill my heart & my desire. I'll even just give up on the relationship. It's easier by myself anyways."
...but that's not the answer either...and I know that. Neither extreme - controlling or cutting off the desire in my heart - is what he wants...or what I want. He doesn't want me to be alone, and if I'm wanting to just cut off a human relationship because it's hard, what does that say about my relationship with him?
This isn't new. I've been in this place before, and I know what happens. If I continue in either extreme, I'm restless, brokenhearted, angry, frustrated.
If I give up, give in to God's lead, trust Him, He always shows up, and it's always good. It's not always what I want, but it's ALWAYS good.
For I know the plans that I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future. --Jeremiah 29:11
Help me to rest in that tonight, Jesus, Abba. Amen.
On with the post then...
To catch everyone up a bit...Life in St. Louis has definitely picked up speed. I've been substitute teaching for a while now, and after initially being intimidated about working in the high school, but having to because there weren't any other jobs, I've begun to enjoy that the most. I've started to get to know faculty, students, etc. and have gotten a reputation for being a good sub...which is always good.
Most of the rest of life has been spent developing & maintaining friendships & relationships or...(and this is where the title comes in)...trying to figure out what to do with my life for next year.
In the midst of that I've also been asking bigger questions, such as: What do I want my life to be about? How do I really live out the gospel? What exactly does it mean to do ministry? The last question God worked a lot with throughout the summer and up until the last two weeks or so, breaking about every box I had so that I now know that "doing" ministry isn't about your vocation...it's about how you live your whole life, in each moment.
Okay, back to the...what the heck do I do with my life. Recently, I thought I had it figured out...but over and over again I realize I don't...and I re-realize I can't ever figure it out...at least not this side of the new heaven and the new earth.
There's been something building for the last couple of weeks as I've been asking these questions & trying to make plans for next year. It's been slowly infiltrating my thoughts & actions...creating a restlessness that in the last couple of days became tangible. The medium God used to initially show me what was going on was in a relationship with a guy that I've been dating for a little while now. I've been frustrated, trying to figure out why I know somewhere in inside of me that he really does want to spend time with me, but somewhere else in me isn't convinced. So, I asked, is he pursuing me? Does he even want to spend time with me? What about all these questions I have about the difficulty we have in communication? What does that mean? ...and on and on with the questions...
...then, ever so softly, God spoke to my heart.
Morgan, you can't arrange for it.
Internally, uncontrollably, momentarily, there was a deep sigh of relief. I knew what that meant. I've been learning & growing so much these past couple of years, and I just want to know that I have a purpose, that I'm going to make a difference, and I want people alongside me. I want to be able to fix the communication issues in my relationship... I took this big step of faith and God, it's been so good, so shouldn't I get to figure it out? Everything should be good now, right? ...Then, ever so slowly, almost without conscience effort, I start to arrange, to try to take control, to secure the life I think I want or even that I think God wants for me, to secure my relationships and make them what I want them to be or think they should be...
"okay, God, you showed me enough. I've got it from here."
Morgan, you can't arrange for it. You can't make the communication problems go away. You have to trust me to work them out...or not. And you have to be okay with the 'or not'.
"but, but, I want to know that it's all going to work out, I don't want to go through the heartache of a difficult relationship or think about the possibility of an 'or not' and all that would ensue. I want to know that I'm going to be able to pay my bills and do the things that I think You've set in my heart to do..."
Morgan, you can't arrange for it. Trust me.
"fine. Just forget it then. I won't want it. Then it's easier. If I can't know that it's going to happen or how it's going to happen, then fine. I'll just kill my heart & my desire. I'll even just give up on the relationship. It's easier by myself anyways."
...but that's not the answer either...and I know that. Neither extreme - controlling or cutting off the desire in my heart - is what he wants...or what I want. He doesn't want me to be alone, and if I'm wanting to just cut off a human relationship because it's hard, what does that say about my relationship with him?
This isn't new. I've been in this place before, and I know what happens. If I continue in either extreme, I'm restless, brokenhearted, angry, frustrated.
If I give up, give in to God's lead, trust Him, He always shows up, and it's always good. It's not always what I want, but it's ALWAYS good.
For I know the plans that I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future. --Jeremiah 29:11
Help me to rest in that tonight, Jesus, Abba. Amen.
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