Lies

I was frustrated today about...well, everything. Last night I stayed up later than planned. I don't want to go to work right now even though I go and it's fine or even good. I was frustrated about that. I wasn't able to go to Westminster bball practice today because of work. I got a phone call at 6:30 letting me know that one of my loan payments was 15 days late. I was late to bible study because of it. I was frustrated about that. I've been frustrated about some relationships in my life for multiple different reasons. Some for the fact that I don't have enough time to spend with everyone I want to. I'm impatient, and I was frustrated about that...

I was thinking to myself: I feel like I'm failing at life.

At bible study, during lecture, Jesus revealed the root of the frustration: to anyone else's eyes it would have been a seemingly insiginificant encounter with the area director of IV in Kansas City. (I was at a Prospective Staff Weekend for InterVarsity this weekend and the good news is God has me pretty darn excited about it) Back to the story: So, I'd had a conversation & time of prayer with him on Firday night that was pretty awesome and God really spoke to my heart. It felt clear God wanted me to apply for IV Staff and I was really excited about the prospects of working in Kansas City for this area director. So, sometime the next day I went up to him and said (internally very excited), "So, when are you going to send me an application?" It was my understanding that we were supposed to talk to area directors about applications. His response was...not what I expected. Instead of being as excited about it as I was, he said, "oh uh, I think you have to talk to Tom (regional director) or Bum (St. Louis area director) about that." That's all it took. Instant feelings of rejection & my excitement shattered, I wanted to rewind time and never have asked the question in the first place. Somewhere inside of me this voice rose up, choking my joy and confirming my fears, "Oh Morgan, there you go screwing up again. Why can't you get it right. You're not ever going to get what you want. No one wants you, anyway."

At the time, I was aware of my internal gut reaction, but I didn't address it, and it festered. It festered until it started eating away at my joy, my ability to be present. Satan had jumped on the opportunity to suffocate my joy and hope and immobilize my mind, loading it with lies. He was trying to take up residence there. I could see the evil smirk, and hear the raucous, penetrating laughter. And so, tonight at bible study, during lecture, Jesus revealed this moment to me, and I left to be alone with Him, knowing I needed His comfort and His truth. I needed Him to speak to my heart. I prayed,

Abba, I've let Satan have a stronghold, and I need your power to fight it, to uproot it. I need You to speak specific words of truth into this. Give me a different picture, Abba.

Only a moment later, He began to speak...

You are loved, wanted. (words that spoke to a much deeper place in my heart. A place wounded when I was very young.)
You are chosen. (2 Thess. 2:13-15) (John 15:16)
I don't think about you the way you perceive others did in your childhood (Hebrews 13:5b)

Jesus met me, right then and there, the way I needed to be met. He revealed to me the root of my struggle, and He brought the darkness into the light that had been clouding my mind & heart.

Thank you Jesus.