A couple of months ago I started writing a song. I was writing the song to process the question: what is love? What does it really mean to love another person? Well, if you live in our culture, listen to our media or watch movies (most particularly romantic comedies), then it's all about love at first sight, and how do I get my needs met, what's in it for me (among other things)?
The other day I was talking about this with a friend. She said she had just studied the old testament again this last semester at seminary, and could she that God's love is very different than what is portrayed in our culture. I hadn't thought about it enough to have an answer, so I asked her what she had seen. She said she saw the difference as commitment. God is committed to his people no matter what. No matter how we treat him, no matter what he gets out of it, etc. He doesn't give up on us.
Since then I've continued to think about it, to think about scripture and to see whether that's true, and I believe that is the biggest difference. Our individualistic culture says, well, if it's not good for me right now, then I'll just get rid of it. When things get hard it says, just give it up and do something that's easier.
We humans are so good at getting things out of balance. Yes, the most noticeable difference between our culture's understanding of love and God's true love, is commitment, but love is more than just that. God also delights in us (Zeph. 3:17) and the part that he made he calls good (Gen. 1:31). So, our culture evelates the "delighting in" part and in my opinion cheapens it (see part 2) to be simply about liking them. I think we do that because it's easier. It's easier for it just to be about whether we like that person or not and whether they meet our needs. Jesus actually talks about that in Matthew 19, when some pharisees came to test him and asked him about divorce. Jesus says to the pharisees that the only permissable reason for divorce is marital unfaithfulness. The disciples, upon hearing this say, well if that's the case, then why get married? It seems like what they're saying is, "well, if we can't just get out when it gets hard, then why do it?" What Jesus ends up saying (paraphrase) in response is, you know not everyone can handle this. If you can, then that's good but some aren't able to. (this doesn't mean one is better or worse, just that some are meant for marriage and some are meant for singleness).
To bring this back around, I'll repeat what I said earlier. Our human-nature seems to be to pull things out of the balance that is inherently from God. God's love is both commitment & delight in us. Our culture elevates & cheapens the delight part & forgets about commitment. It should be both. It could be easy for us to swing the other way and elevate commitment, but we mustn't forget about the delight. Commitment without the delight is just as unbalanced as delight without commitment. Commitment without delight has no life. Delight without commitment has no sustainability.
Jesus, thank you for your commitment to us. Without it, we would have all been destroyed long ago. Thank you also that you delight in us. I pray that, as your people, you would teach us about commitment, and I pray that we would come to know that you delight in us and that through BOTH of these things, we will come to see both you more clearly and our identity in you. I pray that BOTH of these things would help us to see & understand how deep & wide & high & long is the love of Christ. In Jesus' name, Amen.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Oh what pride! …and with realization sorrow comes
tears sting my eyes as the depth of dirt-stained soul is revealed
What once I thought, humbled I’ve become
Though all has been dark and looks as trees, a small light breaks forth
I grope about, all is not revealed to me
My eyes can scarce take it in, but the source of light my only hope,
I cling to the source from which I know the light comes
and through anguish, my choked voice to the light replies,
Make me new, make me new
lead me down this path.
I know it’s you calling out to me.
Call to me, call to me
help me know your voice
so my fumbling steps can become secure
only in you, only in you
and let me there find my only rest
tears sting my eyes as the depth of dirt-stained soul is revealed
What once I thought, humbled I’ve become
Though all has been dark and looks as trees, a small light breaks forth
I grope about, all is not revealed to me
My eyes can scarce take it in, but the source of light my only hope,
I cling to the source from which I know the light comes
and through anguish, my choked voice to the light replies,
Make me new, make me new
lead me down this path.
I know it’s you calling out to me.
Call to me, call to me
help me know your voice
so my fumbling steps can become secure
only in you, only in you
and let me there find my only rest
Monday, November 24, 2008
Lies
I was frustrated today about...well, everything. Last night I stayed up later than planned. I don't want to go to work right now even though I go and it's fine or even good. I was frustrated about that. I wasn't able to go to Westminster bball practice today because of work. I got a phone call at 6:30 letting me know that one of my loan payments was 15 days late. I was late to bible study because of it. I was frustrated about that. I've been frustrated about some relationships in my life for multiple different reasons. Some for the fact that I don't have enough time to spend with everyone I want to. I'm impatient, and I was frustrated about that...
I was thinking to myself: I feel like I'm failing at life.
At bible study, during lecture, Jesus revealed the root of the frustration: to anyone else's eyes it would have been a seemingly insiginificant encounter with the area director of IV in Kansas City. (I was at a Prospective Staff Weekend for InterVarsity this weekend and the good news is God has me pretty darn excited about it) Back to the story: So, I'd had a conversation & time of prayer with him on Firday night that was pretty awesome and God really spoke to my heart. It felt clear God wanted me to apply for IV Staff and I was really excited about the prospects of working in Kansas City for this area director. So, sometime the next day I went up to him and said (internally very excited), "So, when are you going to send me an application?" It was my understanding that we were supposed to talk to area directors about applications. His response was...not what I expected. Instead of being as excited about it as I was, he said, "oh uh, I think you have to talk to Tom (regional director) or Bum (St. Louis area director) about that." That's all it took. Instant feelings of rejection & my excitement shattered, I wanted to rewind time and never have asked the question in the first place. Somewhere inside of me this voice rose up, choking my joy and confirming my fears, "Oh Morgan, there you go screwing up again. Why can't you get it right. You're not ever going to get what you want. No one wants you, anyway."
At the time, I was aware of my internal gut reaction, but I didn't address it, and it festered. It festered until it started eating away at my joy, my ability to be present. Satan had jumped on the opportunity to suffocate my joy and hope and immobilize my mind, loading it with lies. He was trying to take up residence there. I could see the evil smirk, and hear the raucous, penetrating laughter. And so, tonight at bible study, during lecture, Jesus revealed this moment to me, and I left to be alone with Him, knowing I needed His comfort and His truth. I needed Him to speak to my heart. I prayed,
Abba, I've let Satan have a stronghold, and I need your power to fight it, to uproot it. I need You to speak specific words of truth into this. Give me a different picture, Abba.
Only a moment later, He began to speak...
You are loved, wanted. (words that spoke to a much deeper place in my heart. A place wounded when I was very young.)
You are chosen. (2 Thess. 2:13-15) (John 15:16)
I don't think about you the way you perceive others did in your childhood (Hebrews 13:5b)
Jesus met me, right then and there, the way I needed to be met. He revealed to me the root of my struggle, and He brought the darkness into the light that had been clouding my mind & heart.
Thank you Jesus.
I was thinking to myself: I feel like I'm failing at life.
At bible study, during lecture, Jesus revealed the root of the frustration: to anyone else's eyes it would have been a seemingly insiginificant encounter with the area director of IV in Kansas City. (I was at a Prospective Staff Weekend for InterVarsity this weekend and the good news is God has me pretty darn excited about it) Back to the story: So, I'd had a conversation & time of prayer with him on Firday night that was pretty awesome and God really spoke to my heart. It felt clear God wanted me to apply for IV Staff and I was really excited about the prospects of working in Kansas City for this area director. So, sometime the next day I went up to him and said (internally very excited), "So, when are you going to send me an application?" It was my understanding that we were supposed to talk to area directors about applications. His response was...not what I expected. Instead of being as excited about it as I was, he said, "oh uh, I think you have to talk to Tom (regional director) or Bum (St. Louis area director) about that." That's all it took. Instant feelings of rejection & my excitement shattered, I wanted to rewind time and never have asked the question in the first place. Somewhere inside of me this voice rose up, choking my joy and confirming my fears, "Oh Morgan, there you go screwing up again. Why can't you get it right. You're not ever going to get what you want. No one wants you, anyway."
At the time, I was aware of my internal gut reaction, but I didn't address it, and it festered. It festered until it started eating away at my joy, my ability to be present. Satan had jumped on the opportunity to suffocate my joy and hope and immobilize my mind, loading it with lies. He was trying to take up residence there. I could see the evil smirk, and hear the raucous, penetrating laughter. And so, tonight at bible study, during lecture, Jesus revealed this moment to me, and I left to be alone with Him, knowing I needed His comfort and His truth. I needed Him to speak to my heart. I prayed,
Abba, I've let Satan have a stronghold, and I need your power to fight it, to uproot it. I need You to speak specific words of truth into this. Give me a different picture, Abba.
Only a moment later, He began to speak...
You are loved, wanted. (words that spoke to a much deeper place in my heart. A place wounded when I was very young.)
You are chosen. (2 Thess. 2:13-15) (John 15:16)
I don't think about you the way you perceive others did in your childhood (Hebrews 13:5b)
Jesus met me, right then and there, the way I needed to be met. He revealed to me the root of my struggle, and He brought the darkness into the light that had been clouding my mind & heart.
Thank you Jesus.
Friday, November 14, 2008
I can't arrange for it, part 2: Waiting & Letting Go
God is good.
On days like today when I have easy classes to teach & supervise, I tend to have lots of time to read, do some bible study, etc. while the students are doing their work. I just happened to grab this book I've read a couple of times now, called Desire by John Eldridge. I grabbed it because I was pretty sure it spoke into the "arranging" I talked about in my last post and I wanted to be reminded of what it said. So, at some point during the morning, I flipped towards the end of the book, looking for the section I was hoping for, when a section title caught my eye. It was entitled Waiting, and this is what it said,
To wait is to learn the spiritual grace of detachment, the freedom of desire. Not the absence of desire, but desire at rest. St. John of the Cross lamented that "the desires weary and fatigue the soul, for they are like restless and discontented children, who are ever demanding this or that from their mother, and are never contented." Detachment is coming to the place where those demanding children are at peace.
When I read this two things went through my mind. First, this describes exactly what I've been feeling: the restlessness, the groaning, the demanding emotions in my heart to know the outcome. Secondly, I've been here before. It was only in late September, a month and a half ago, that the Lord was teaching and instructing my heart in this same issue. Oh, how quickly I forget!
At the top of a journal entry from September 22, 2008, I penned this question: What do I need to let go of? Maybe that's a question I need to be asking on a more regular basis. Right now, I need to let go of my future plans, to stop trying to arrange it all. I'm not the Arranger in my story, God is. And, I need to let go of the person I am dating. I can't control him, and I shouldn't. It makes for a pretty awful & unsatisfying relationship.
Later on in Desire, Eldredge quotes Psalm 131:2 (NIV):
I have stilled and quieted my soul,
like a weaned child with its mother,
like a weaned child is my soul within me.
I have never understood the meaning of that scripture until today. Finally it's been made clear. Eldredge writes about the difference between a pilgrim & an arranger. A pilgrim is at peace with his desire, okay that it will remain unsatisfied while on the journey, willing to wait & hope & journey on to see what will happen. An arranger cannot be at peace with desire's unfulfilled state and so will try to secure something, anything that could satiate it if only for a moment. But that moment is fleeting, making the arranger grasp ever more ardently.
To help us determine what state our soul is in, Eldredge gives us these questions to ask:
What am I waiting for? Is there anything I ardently desire that I am doing nothing to secure?
To the second question, I would have to answer a very clear & weighty "no". But I am encouraged. God did not let me get too far before he hemmed me in & helped me to see my arranging. Thank you, Abba. And as a pilgrim who has walked longer than me, Eldredge says,
Things are different now. Now I wonder, What am I still arranging for? I should like to let it go too.
oh, Lord. Still and quiet my soul, in the way David talks about in the Psalm. Continue to teach & instruct my heart. When I begin to arrange & control & grasp for something other than you, hem me in, behind and before, and give me eyes to see the false god I am placing in front of You. Help me to live in the balance, to wait. To be as a pilgrim, steady in determination to follow after you, willing to accept the unsatisfied state of my desire without controlling, arranging, or losing heart altogether. But instead, make me as a pilgrim who hopes, waits, and looks forward to the day their desire will be fulfilled. That hope alone puts a pilgrim at rest. A pilgrim is not short-sighted. They have kingdom eyes. Cure my blindness. Give me kingdom eyes oh Lord. Give me kingdom eyes. In Jesus' name, amen.
On days like today when I have easy classes to teach & supervise, I tend to have lots of time to read, do some bible study, etc. while the students are doing their work. I just happened to grab this book I've read a couple of times now, called Desire by John Eldridge. I grabbed it because I was pretty sure it spoke into the "arranging" I talked about in my last post and I wanted to be reminded of what it said. So, at some point during the morning, I flipped towards the end of the book, looking for the section I was hoping for, when a section title caught my eye. It was entitled Waiting, and this is what it said,
To wait is to learn the spiritual grace of detachment, the freedom of desire. Not the absence of desire, but desire at rest. St. John of the Cross lamented that "the desires weary and fatigue the soul, for they are like restless and discontented children, who are ever demanding this or that from their mother, and are never contented." Detachment is coming to the place where those demanding children are at peace.
When I read this two things went through my mind. First, this describes exactly what I've been feeling: the restlessness, the groaning, the demanding emotions in my heart to know the outcome. Secondly, I've been here before. It was only in late September, a month and a half ago, that the Lord was teaching and instructing my heart in this same issue. Oh, how quickly I forget!
At the top of a journal entry from September 22, 2008, I penned this question: What do I need to let go of? Maybe that's a question I need to be asking on a more regular basis. Right now, I need to let go of my future plans, to stop trying to arrange it all. I'm not the Arranger in my story, God is. And, I need to let go of the person I am dating. I can't control him, and I shouldn't. It makes for a pretty awful & unsatisfying relationship.
Later on in Desire, Eldredge quotes Psalm 131:2 (NIV):
I have stilled and quieted my soul,
like a weaned child with its mother,
like a weaned child is my soul within me.
I have never understood the meaning of that scripture until today. Finally it's been made clear. Eldredge writes about the difference between a pilgrim & an arranger. A pilgrim is at peace with his desire, okay that it will remain unsatisfied while on the journey, willing to wait & hope & journey on to see what will happen. An arranger cannot be at peace with desire's unfulfilled state and so will try to secure something, anything that could satiate it if only for a moment. But that moment is fleeting, making the arranger grasp ever more ardently.
To help us determine what state our soul is in, Eldredge gives us these questions to ask:
What am I waiting for? Is there anything I ardently desire that I am doing nothing to secure?
To the second question, I would have to answer a very clear & weighty "no". But I am encouraged. God did not let me get too far before he hemmed me in & helped me to see my arranging. Thank you, Abba. And as a pilgrim who has walked longer than me, Eldredge says,
Things are different now. Now I wonder, What am I still arranging for? I should like to let it go too.
oh, Lord. Still and quiet my soul, in the way David talks about in the Psalm. Continue to teach & instruct my heart. When I begin to arrange & control & grasp for something other than you, hem me in, behind and before, and give me eyes to see the false god I am placing in front of You. Help me to live in the balance, to wait. To be as a pilgrim, steady in determination to follow after you, willing to accept the unsatisfied state of my desire without controlling, arranging, or losing heart altogether. But instead, make me as a pilgrim who hopes, waits, and looks forward to the day their desire will be fulfilled. That hope alone puts a pilgrim at rest. A pilgrim is not short-sighted. They have kingdom eyes. Cure my blindness. Give me kingdom eyes oh Lord. Give me kingdom eyes. In Jesus' name, amen.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
I can't arrange for it...
So, first off...it's been a WHILE since I wrote in my blog...sorry about that. I didn't know people were paying attention to it... :) Thanks for the reminders...
On with the post then...
To catch everyone up a bit...Life in St. Louis has definitely picked up speed. I've been substitute teaching for a while now, and after initially being intimidated about working in the high school, but having to because there weren't any other jobs, I've begun to enjoy that the most. I've started to get to know faculty, students, etc. and have gotten a reputation for being a good sub...which is always good.
Most of the rest of life has been spent developing & maintaining friendships & relationships or...(and this is where the title comes in)...trying to figure out what to do with my life for next year.
In the midst of that I've also been asking bigger questions, such as: What do I want my life to be about? How do I really live out the gospel? What exactly does it mean to do ministry? The last question God worked a lot with throughout the summer and up until the last two weeks or so, breaking about every box I had so that I now know that "doing" ministry isn't about your vocation...it's about how you live your whole life, in each moment.
Okay, back to the...what the heck do I do with my life. Recently, I thought I had it figured out...but over and over again I realize I don't...and I re-realize I can't ever figure it out...at least not this side of the new heaven and the new earth.
There's been something building for the last couple of weeks as I've been asking these questions & trying to make plans for next year. It's been slowly infiltrating my thoughts & actions...creating a restlessness that in the last couple of days became tangible. The medium God used to initially show me what was going on was in a relationship with a guy that I've been dating for a little while now. I've been frustrated, trying to figure out why I know somewhere in inside of me that he really does want to spend time with me, but somewhere else in me isn't convinced. So, I asked, is he pursuing me? Does he even want to spend time with me? What about all these questions I have about the difficulty we have in communication? What does that mean? ...and on and on with the questions...
...then, ever so softly, God spoke to my heart.
Morgan, you can't arrange for it.
Internally, uncontrollably, momentarily, there was a deep sigh of relief. I knew what that meant. I've been learning & growing so much these past couple of years, and I just want to know that I have a purpose, that I'm going to make a difference, and I want people alongside me. I want to be able to fix the communication issues in my relationship... I took this big step of faith and God, it's been so good, so shouldn't I get to figure it out? Everything should be good now, right? ...Then, ever so slowly, almost without conscience effort, I start to arrange, to try to take control, to secure the life I think I want or even that I think God wants for me, to secure my relationships and make them what I want them to be or think they should be...
"okay, God, you showed me enough. I've got it from here."
Morgan, you can't arrange for it. You can't make the communication problems go away. You have to trust me to work them out...or not. And you have to be okay with the 'or not'.
"but, but, I want to know that it's all going to work out, I don't want to go through the heartache of a difficult relationship or think about the possibility of an 'or not' and all that would ensue. I want to know that I'm going to be able to pay my bills and do the things that I think You've set in my heart to do..."
Morgan, you can't arrange for it. Trust me.
"fine. Just forget it then. I won't want it. Then it's easier. If I can't know that it's going to happen or how it's going to happen, then fine. I'll just kill my heart & my desire. I'll even just give up on the relationship. It's easier by myself anyways."
...but that's not the answer either...and I know that. Neither extreme - controlling or cutting off the desire in my heart - is what he wants...or what I want. He doesn't want me to be alone, and if I'm wanting to just cut off a human relationship because it's hard, what does that say about my relationship with him?
This isn't new. I've been in this place before, and I know what happens. If I continue in either extreme, I'm restless, brokenhearted, angry, frustrated.
If I give up, give in to God's lead, trust Him, He always shows up, and it's always good. It's not always what I want, but it's ALWAYS good.
For I know the plans that I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future. --Jeremiah 29:11
Help me to rest in that tonight, Jesus, Abba. Amen.
On with the post then...
To catch everyone up a bit...Life in St. Louis has definitely picked up speed. I've been substitute teaching for a while now, and after initially being intimidated about working in the high school, but having to because there weren't any other jobs, I've begun to enjoy that the most. I've started to get to know faculty, students, etc. and have gotten a reputation for being a good sub...which is always good.
Most of the rest of life has been spent developing & maintaining friendships & relationships or...(and this is where the title comes in)...trying to figure out what to do with my life for next year.
In the midst of that I've also been asking bigger questions, such as: What do I want my life to be about? How do I really live out the gospel? What exactly does it mean to do ministry? The last question God worked a lot with throughout the summer and up until the last two weeks or so, breaking about every box I had so that I now know that "doing" ministry isn't about your vocation...it's about how you live your whole life, in each moment.
Okay, back to the...what the heck do I do with my life. Recently, I thought I had it figured out...but over and over again I realize I don't...and I re-realize I can't ever figure it out...at least not this side of the new heaven and the new earth.
There's been something building for the last couple of weeks as I've been asking these questions & trying to make plans for next year. It's been slowly infiltrating my thoughts & actions...creating a restlessness that in the last couple of days became tangible. The medium God used to initially show me what was going on was in a relationship with a guy that I've been dating for a little while now. I've been frustrated, trying to figure out why I know somewhere in inside of me that he really does want to spend time with me, but somewhere else in me isn't convinced. So, I asked, is he pursuing me? Does he even want to spend time with me? What about all these questions I have about the difficulty we have in communication? What does that mean? ...and on and on with the questions...
...then, ever so softly, God spoke to my heart.
Morgan, you can't arrange for it.
Internally, uncontrollably, momentarily, there was a deep sigh of relief. I knew what that meant. I've been learning & growing so much these past couple of years, and I just want to know that I have a purpose, that I'm going to make a difference, and I want people alongside me. I want to be able to fix the communication issues in my relationship... I took this big step of faith and God, it's been so good, so shouldn't I get to figure it out? Everything should be good now, right? ...Then, ever so slowly, almost without conscience effort, I start to arrange, to try to take control, to secure the life I think I want or even that I think God wants for me, to secure my relationships and make them what I want them to be or think they should be...
"okay, God, you showed me enough. I've got it from here."
Morgan, you can't arrange for it. You can't make the communication problems go away. You have to trust me to work them out...or not. And you have to be okay with the 'or not'.
"but, but, I want to know that it's all going to work out, I don't want to go through the heartache of a difficult relationship or think about the possibility of an 'or not' and all that would ensue. I want to know that I'm going to be able to pay my bills and do the things that I think You've set in my heart to do..."
Morgan, you can't arrange for it. Trust me.
"fine. Just forget it then. I won't want it. Then it's easier. If I can't know that it's going to happen or how it's going to happen, then fine. I'll just kill my heart & my desire. I'll even just give up on the relationship. It's easier by myself anyways."
...but that's not the answer either...and I know that. Neither extreme - controlling or cutting off the desire in my heart - is what he wants...or what I want. He doesn't want me to be alone, and if I'm wanting to just cut off a human relationship because it's hard, what does that say about my relationship with him?
This isn't new. I've been in this place before, and I know what happens. If I continue in either extreme, I'm restless, brokenhearted, angry, frustrated.
If I give up, give in to God's lead, trust Him, He always shows up, and it's always good. It's not always what I want, but it's ALWAYS good.
For I know the plans that I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future. --Jeremiah 29:11
Help me to rest in that tonight, Jesus, Abba. Amen.
Friday, August 22, 2008
a new gospel?
So, I've had some time off recently because I've been at my home in Iowa waiting on my car getting fixed (which is a different blog...). I've read 'From Fear to Freadom' by Rose Marie Miller, 'The Shack' by William P. Young, and 'True Story: A Christianity Worth Believing In' by James Choung. All of them have spoke into, confirmed, or furthered the things that I learned this summer in St. Louis...and what I've been learning is, there's so much more to the story than I was first told...
Now, I think that God has been revealing and showing this to me for a little while now, but I feel like my head, my heart, my hands & my feet are still trying to take it in...because right now it feels like it's something on the outside trying to get in, and instead I hope it becomes something on the inside that overflows out.
This past year a friend asked me, "so, if [Christianity] isn't just about being a good person, what is it about?" And I said, that's the question you need to find out the answer to.
...Later, I thought about that question and I realized that though I knew that wasn't just what Christianity was about, I'm not sure I knew how to answer that question. And, I eventually realized I had a similar question about the gospel. Is it really just about Jesus dying for us so that we get to go to heaven? I mean, don't get me wrong, that's an awesome thing that Jesus did for us, but what about right now? I mean, the God I know wouldn't just want us to sit around and wait for heaven to come while living out the American dream as the top 1% of the population in education and economics... I mean, what would be the point of Jesus coming and doing all that he did if all it meant was we get to go to heaven "someday".
...So here's what I've learned:
be warned these thoughts may start out organized but end up random trains of thought :)
1. the gospel is about restoring things back to the way they were meant to be: keyword: RELATIONSHIP. In the beginning it was good. It was all good. Man had perfect relationship with God & nature. There was no oppression, injustice, or evil. RELATIONSHIPs existed in the context of love & service to one another instead of power & control. Man & Woman were on equal ground & man was not using the earth for his own selfish needs, but taking care of it.
Jesus had to come so that the holy spirit could come & restore man's relationship with God. You see, when adam & eve ate from the tree, they chose independence, to be separate from God. It brought death because God is the only source of life.
The gospel isn't about expectations. Sure, it hurts God when we choose something other than him or one of his children gets hurt, but he isn't ever disappointed by us. He knows everything we did, are doing, and are going to do, so why would he be disappointed? Disappointment comes when expectations aren't met. And here's the kicker: God does have expectations of us...he just LOVES us. And is excited every time we choose Him. This revelation in particular has been sticking with me and showing up all over in my life. It's changing so much of the way I think, act, and most importantly LOVE.
More to come later...
Now, I think that God has been revealing and showing this to me for a little while now, but I feel like my head, my heart, my hands & my feet are still trying to take it in...because right now it feels like it's something on the outside trying to get in, and instead I hope it becomes something on the inside that overflows out.
This past year a friend asked me, "so, if [Christianity] isn't just about being a good person, what is it about?" And I said, that's the question you need to find out the answer to.
...Later, I thought about that question and I realized that though I knew that wasn't just what Christianity was about, I'm not sure I knew how to answer that question. And, I eventually realized I had a similar question about the gospel. Is it really just about Jesus dying for us so that we get to go to heaven? I mean, don't get me wrong, that's an awesome thing that Jesus did for us, but what about right now? I mean, the God I know wouldn't just want us to sit around and wait for heaven to come while living out the American dream as the top 1% of the population in education and economics... I mean, what would be the point of Jesus coming and doing all that he did if all it meant was we get to go to heaven "someday".
...So here's what I've learned:
be warned these thoughts may start out organized but end up random trains of thought :)
1. the gospel is about restoring things back to the way they were meant to be: keyword: RELATIONSHIP. In the beginning it was good. It was all good. Man had perfect relationship with God & nature. There was no oppression, injustice, or evil. RELATIONSHIPs existed in the context of love & service to one another instead of power & control. Man & Woman were on equal ground & man was not using the earth for his own selfish needs, but taking care of it.
Jesus had to come so that the holy spirit could come & restore man's relationship with God. You see, when adam & eve ate from the tree, they chose independence, to be separate from God. It brought death because God is the only source of life.
The gospel isn't about expectations. Sure, it hurts God when we choose something other than him or one of his children gets hurt, but he isn't ever disappointed by us. He knows everything we did, are doing, and are going to do, so why would he be disappointed? Disappointment comes when expectations aren't met. And here's the kicker: God does have expectations of us...he just LOVES us. And is excited every time we choose Him. This revelation in particular has been sticking with me and showing up all over in my life. It's changing so much of the way I think, act, and most importantly LOVE.
More to come later...
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Will you move mountains?
I was talking to Mom today and decided to tell her about some of my frustrations and difficulties I'm having right now, and I said to her, "I feel like such an inconveniense to everyone, but I'm not. I need help." ...Pause...I waited...and in the pause I realized what I was pausing for. I wanted my mother to say, "You're not an inconvenience to me." And when I told her later that I needed her to come to des Moins to bring something and to take me home, I didn't want her to tell me all the obstacles in the way. I wanted her to say, "Okay, there's a lot going on, but I'll find a way because you're my daughter and you need me." And by saying that, she'd be saying, "I love you," and "You're worth it."
God's promise of love seems to be one that means he'll move mountains to come to my aid, and show me He loves me...but I don't know that love from my parents...and I can't see that kind of love form Him right now in my situation.
So, God, will you move mountains to provide for me and show me your love just because I am Your daughter, and all this because of your sons death? Will you move the mountains to show me the love that is different than what I know? Please, Abba.
God's promise of love seems to be one that means he'll move mountains to come to my aid, and show me He loves me...but I don't know that love from my parents...and I can't see that kind of love form Him right now in my situation.
So, God, will you move mountains to provide for me and show me your love just because I am Your daughter, and all this because of your sons death? Will you move the mountains to show me the love that is different than what I know? Please, Abba.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Feeding the poor: What does love look like?
Today I was in South City St. Louis running some errands when I ran into a woman named Pat. I was talking on the phone when she asked me if I could give her some money to help feed her kids. Coming off the summer in CityLights and wanting to pursue justice, I told her I would take her to ALDI and buy food for her, then run her home. She took me to ALDI farther into St. Louis where I bought $100 worth of groceries for her, which consisted of 4 or 5 bags of potato chips, 3 boxes of fruit snacks, only a pound or two of hamburger, frozen hot wings, two heads of lettuce, flour, sugar, oil, and a bag of apples once I suggested it... and there was more, but this gives you an idea. Then I took her home all the way back on the North side of St. Louis where I helped her carry her groceries in and met her 5 children and some neighbors.
And by the time I got to Messhuggahs coffee shop to hang out with friends, I knew I was angry...but why? So I talked to my friends about and discovered a couple of things. 1) I was taken advantage of. 2) I really hated that fact because I really just want to love people well, and know how to do that well...
To be continued...
And by the time I got to Messhuggahs coffee shop to hang out with friends, I knew I was angry...but why? So I talked to my friends about and discovered a couple of things. 1) I was taken advantage of. 2) I really hated that fact because I really just want to love people well, and know how to do that well...
To be continued...
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Stone for bread
I just got off the phone with my mom, who told me that someone just made an anonymous donation to my dad so that they can fix my van, which apparently was in worse shape than I thought. This is not the first time He has done something like that this summer. On June 30th, I had over $700 of fundraising come in towards CityLights, a good portion of which was a donation completely unexpected from my grandfather. A couple weeks later, God provided a place to live once CityLights was over. And now...the donation from someone back home towards fixing my car...
So why is still hard to trust Him. Last night I prayed and said, "Prove yourself to me," and in the same prayer said in the same fashion as the father with the sick son in Mark, "I believe, help me in my unbelief!". So here He is proving He was taking care of something I didn't even know about until today. So shouldn't I be leaping for joy? ...in two weeks, I'll need a new home in St. Louis...by Thursday of next week I'll need to have my application for substitute teaching completed & turned in...somehow I have to pay bills...somehow I have to get back to Iowa and when I do figure out how to get around all the places I need to go...
"Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets."
--Matthew 7:9-12
Abba, help me to trust that you will provide for my every need & give me good gifts. Bring me to a place of freedom where I no longer live in my heart as an orphan in poverty, but instead as a beloved daughter of yours who has everything she needs. Give me new eyes to see that, Abba. In Jesus' name, Amen.
So why is still hard to trust Him. Last night I prayed and said, "Prove yourself to me," and in the same prayer said in the same fashion as the father with the sick son in Mark, "I believe, help me in my unbelief!". So here He is proving He was taking care of something I didn't even know about until today. So shouldn't I be leaping for joy? ...in two weeks, I'll need a new home in St. Louis...by Thursday of next week I'll need to have my application for substitute teaching completed & turned in...somehow I have to pay bills...somehow I have to get back to Iowa and when I do figure out how to get around all the places I need to go...
"Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets."
--Matthew 7:9-12
Abba, help me to trust that you will provide for my every need & give me good gifts. Bring me to a place of freedom where I no longer live in my heart as an orphan in poverty, but instead as a beloved daughter of yours who has everything she needs. Give me new eyes to see that, Abba. In Jesus' name, Amen.
Note to my sisters & brothers...
This blog is for you. We shared an experience this summer that could forever change the course of our lives, and I want to continue to journey with you, even if we are hundreds of miles apart. So...this is for you...to see how God is at work in my story...and a place for you to share how He is at work in your story. My hope is that this will help us stay connected in a way that won't happen via letters or phone calls, but that can actually enrich the times we do get to talk on the phone or in person. So, here is my invitation to continue to journey with me...thanks for walking beside me.
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