Twice in the last week someone has asked me, "Did you move around a lot when you were younger?". This is a strange question to be asked when the only move I ever made in my life was a 2 mile hop to move into the home my grandparents were leaving behind to move into town. So, why did I get asked that question twice in a week?
Well, it turns out that I act and think a lot like someone who moved around when they were young. I learned that for a long time now, I have felt like I never belong or fit anywhere. Like no one understands me and never will so I'm just not going to give them the chance. But I long to feel like I fit...like I belong somewhere...safe and secure...no longer an orphan. So, when it gets hard, I start dreaming about the next place, thinking maybe it will be better...but I never stick in one place long enough to find out...and the truth is:
I do have a place to belong. There is a place where I fit. I am accepted and acceptable. The truth of the gospel says that.
It's actually a sin when I don't believe that. I haven't felt like myself in months. I've been wrestless...looking for something, someone to belong to, to fit into...and my hunger was never satisfied. But in one breath-taking moment, the light and truth of God's grace, His gospel, my identity in Him changed it all. I realized I could choose to believe the truth of my identity in Christ instead of the lies I'd believed for so long. And because realizing my belief in the power of the lies was a sin, I was suddenly free from their power over me. You see, I thought that the wounds of the past made my insecurities inevitable, but the truth is my belief in the lies that come from those wounds is my choice...which makes it my sin issue. And if it's a sin issue of my own heart instead of ways I sinned against that I can't change and couldn't control, then there is hope! Because then I can repent & believe in the truth of the gospel. I can turn from believing in the lies.
You see, the only greener grass that exists is that grass which is illuminated by the gospel. All other "greener" grass is just a facade. It doesn't bring life...only more hunger when we are continually disappointed. But I choose the true greener grass...I choose to walk in the light of day, instead of the darkness. Help me to choose that every day, Abba. Remind me of who I am in You...root me and establish me in that. In Jesus' name, Amen.
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I get what you are saying. I feel like I don't fit anywhere. I didn't fit in Pella and I don't fit out here in Washington. I love your line that the only greener grass is the grass illuminated by the gospel.
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