I can't arrange for it...

So, first off...it's been a WHILE since I wrote in my blog...sorry about that. I didn't know people were paying attention to it... :) Thanks for the reminders...

On with the post then...

To catch everyone up a bit...Life in St. Louis has definitely picked up speed. I've been substitute teaching for a while now, and after initially being intimidated about working in the high school, but having to because there weren't any other jobs, I've begun to enjoy that the most. I've started to get to know faculty, students, etc. and have gotten a reputation for being a good sub...which is always good.

Most of the rest of life has been spent developing & maintaining friendships & relationships or...(and this is where the title comes in)...trying to figure out what to do with my life for next year.

In the midst of that I've also been asking bigger questions, such as: What do I want my life to be about? How do I really live out the gospel? What exactly does it mean to do ministry? The last question God worked a lot with throughout the summer and up until the last two weeks or so, breaking about every box I had so that I now know that "doing" ministry isn't about your vocation...it's about how you live your whole life, in each moment.

Okay, back to the...what the heck do I do with my life. Recently, I thought I had it figured out...but over and over again I realize I don't...and I re-realize I can't ever figure it out...at least not this side of the new heaven and the new earth.

There's been something building for the last couple of weeks as I've been asking these questions & trying to make plans for next year. It's been slowly infiltrating my thoughts & actions...creating a restlessness that in the last couple of days became tangible. The medium God used to initially show me what was going on was in a relationship with a guy that I've been dating for a little while now. I've been frustrated, trying to figure out why I know somewhere in inside of me that he really does want to spend time with me, but somewhere else in me isn't convinced. So, I asked, is he pursuing me? Does he even want to spend time with me? What about all these questions I have about the difficulty we have in communication? What does that mean? ...and on and on with the questions...

...then, ever so softly, God spoke to my heart.

Morgan, you can't arrange for it.

Internally, uncontrollably, momentarily, there was a deep sigh of relief. I knew what that meant. I've been learning & growing so much these past couple of years, and I just want to know that I have a purpose, that I'm going to make a difference, and I want people alongside me. I want to be able to fix the communication issues in my relationship... I took this big step of faith and God, it's been so good, so shouldn't I get to figure it out? Everything should be good now, right? ...Then, ever so slowly, almost without conscience effort, I start to arrange, to try to take control, to secure the life I think I want or even that I think God wants for me, to secure my relationships and make them what I want them to be or think they should be...

"okay, God, you showed me enough. I've got it from here."

Morgan, you can't arrange for it. You can't make the communication problems go away. You have to trust me to work them out...or not. And you have to be okay with the 'or not'.

"but, but, I want to know that it's all going to work out, I don't want to go through the heartache of a difficult relationship or think about the possibility of an 'or not' and all that would ensue. I want to know that I'm going to be able to pay my bills and do the things that I think You've set in my heart to do..."

Morgan, you can't arrange for it. Trust me.

"fine. Just forget it then. I won't want it. Then it's easier. If I can't know that it's going to happen or how it's going to happen, then fine. I'll just kill my heart & my desire. I'll even just give up on the relationship. It's easier by myself anyways."

...but that's not the answer either...and I know that. Neither extreme - controlling or cutting off the desire in my heart - is what he wants...or what I want. He doesn't want me to be alone, and if I'm wanting to just cut off a human relationship because it's hard, what does that say about my relationship with him?

This isn't new. I've been in this place before, and I know what happens. If I continue in either extreme, I'm restless, brokenhearted, angry, frustrated.
If I give up, give in to God's lead, trust Him, He always shows up, and it's always good. It's not always what I want, but it's ALWAYS good.

For I know the plans that I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future. --Jeremiah 29:11

Help me to rest in that tonight, Jesus, Abba. Amen.